I’ll Always Believe…

I’m always going to believe in the guy who made me smile sending flowers to my office. The one who didn’t mind me ordering the most expensive steak on the menu. The one who wrote a card to my mother on her birthday about how lucky he was.

I’m always going to believe in the guy who always asked me to slow dance even though I was bad at it. The one who didn’t mind baking cupcakes with me even though it was corny. The one who didn’t mind me taking a hundred pictures even though I always hated all of them. The one who knew me well enough to know just by looking at me, and when I spoke in a certain way, knew something was wrong. Who knew how to talk me down from things when I’d get worked up.

I’m always going to believe in the guy who used to wake up at 6am in NY to get to work on time bc he knew I slept better with him there. The one who used to tuck me into his bed at night and sleep on the couch. The one who used to offer to pay my tickets because I always got pulled over going to see him. The one who hand crafted a necklace I refuse to take off, even though I don’t like jewelry that much.

I’m always going to believe in the guy who drove me home every night even when he was tired and let me blast Taylor Swift or Eminem on the way home. The one who ran to the lady across the parking lot to return the keys she dropped.

I’m always going to believe in the guy who walked around with a handkerchief just to clean my glasses. The one who always made sure he had band aids and Benadryl handy for me. The one who said things like “let’s talk about this.” Even though my mom warned him “she has terrible communication skills.” The one who took me to a ball and made me feel like the most beautiful person there for no other reason than because I got to stand next to him.

I’m always going to believe in the guy who brought me soup when I was sick even when I couldn’t stomach it. And how he just sat with me holding my hand. The one who was always so concerned about his family, and how his sister was feeling and if his mom was upset, and what he could do to make it better. The one whose values matched mine when it came to family. And how quickly he brought me to meet his.

I’m always going to believe in the guy who looked at me with such certainty on the first date, and all I kept thinking was, “who does he think he is already assuming he’s got me?” But he did. He had me from the moment he met me. And I’m always going to believe in him. Even when goodbye broke me. Even when my friend had to pick me up off the floor in a dark house because I was inconsolable.

I’m always going to believe in the person he was even if we aren’t those people to each other anymore. I believe people are who they are. And you can’t fake someone who is genuine and good and kind. Every so often you meet your match, someone who compliments you in a way that you forget who you were before them. And if ever you should part ways, the impact they had is embedded within you. I’m always going to believe in him. And I can only hope that’s enough that we find our way to each other once more.

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There’s Someone For Everyone.

One day all the love you thought you lost. All the gestures and words, you, and pieces of advice you gave so freely and honestly. All the people you were sure of. And the nights spent awake thinking too much about people who cared too little. Will be met with someone who makes you realize why you were never found until them. Who loves you with such intensity. Who is so sure of you and only you. The type of person you go to bed next to and they add ease and security to your life.

One day, all of the pain that feels heavy right now. And the silence that’s all consuming. All the dead ends and tireless circles and faith that feels like it’s been lost will be restored again. One day “I love you” won’t be met with “I know.” And goodbye won’t look like someone leaving for good. One day someone’s going to see you for you and no matter how hard you try to hide yourself, no matter how guarded you appear to be, no matter how many walls you try to put up or how many times you think you’re not ready yet. One day someone will look at you not as a challenge to overcome or another notch in their belt, but rather the only future they want to see become reality.

Until then, even when it hurts, keep loving everyone with the same intensity as you have, keep your faith in love even if it’s only an idea, don’t change a heart that believes in happy endings and futures, and someone showing up with flowers at your door. It will happen. The way you love has never been the problem, but rather other people’s inability to see your value.

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Ill Intentions.

Because I know one day he’s going to move on and maybe he already has and the first thing that’s going to cross my mind is going to be thinking “how lucky is she?” Because that’s the first thing I thought every single day when I woke up next to him. Whoever she is or ends up being I hope she values him the way he deserves. I hope she says thank you when he gives too much as he will. I hope she not only appreciates it, but reciprocates it. I hope she loves him as deeply as she can. And more than anything else in the world I hope she doesn’t hurt him. I pray to God he doesn’t get hurt. Maybe love isn’t three words you mumble in slurred words or in bed. Maybe love is wanting what’s best for the other person even when it has nothing to do with you. And if ever you wish for anything differently, than it isn’t love. Because real love has no room for ever ill intentions.

 

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