Over Thinking.

Over thinking. It’s the nights you spend not sleeping as mistakes you’ve made in the past act as a plague to your mind. It’s worrying about things that might never happen as you dwell over the things that have. It’s every fear you have that paralyzes you. And as you think more you hold back tears. It’s failure becoming your worst reality in your mind. Failing class. Failing at a job. Failing in relationships. People who over think tend to strive for unrealistic expectations which lead to success. But the cost is exhaustion maintaining it. It’s being both physically and emotionally exhausted from a brain that never slows down or shuts off. Over thinking is that pause between texts as you wonder how they interrupt what you’re saying. It’s typing and deleting and sending yet another because your mind is playing tricks on you. It’s the constant need for answers and responses just to keep your mind at bay and calm.

Overthinking is the voice of criticism that is trying to destroy you as it doubts everyone and everything around you. Then it makes you doubt yourself and second guess everything. You never follow your first instinct when you over think things.

It’s following the destructive path your mind leads you down and you can’t make it stop if you want. Over thinking is like some fire you can’t control and it just destroys everything in its path including you. It’s the critical voice that clings to mistakes only to bring them up later. Over thinking feels like you’re constantly waiting for something but you don’t actually know what it is you’re waiting for. Waiting for something to change. Waiting for something to go wrong.

Waiting for someone to get mad. Waiting for something to end dramatically and it is your fault. Over thinking comes bearing apologizes you didn’t need to say in the first place but you’re sorry for questioning them and thinking the worst. It leads you thinking every worst scenario will be a reality. Over thinking leads you to be overly cautious with everything.

Over thinking is like tip-toeing around everything like there are shards of broken glass below your feet and any wrong move will lead to pain. It’s the fear of relationships because you need so much in a partner you wonder if you are better off alone.

Because how do you even explain to someone it isn’t you I’m doubting or don’t trust my mind is leading me to be so cautious? How do you explain to someone you’re interested in that you need to hear certain phrases over and over again like, “it’s okay” or “we are okay” or “I’m not leaving you.”

Over thinking in relationships is accepting you aren’t going to be the strong and confident one ever. It’s  needing that reassurance for every doubt. It’s needing someone, to be honest, all the time and explain things very thoroughly. It’s the conversations that might be awkward but the person needs to be able to communicate.

Tell you when something is wrong.

Tell you when you are mad.

Tell you exactly what they are thinking.

It’s the fights you want solutions to immediately because if you don’t your mind will create ten more problems. It’s listening to scenarios that are very real in your mind even though to a normal person it’s so out there. Over thinking is caring too much and no matter how much, someone else’s opinion shouldn’t matter, or that ignored text shouldn’t even impact you, under the surface, you are wondering what have I done wrong? And what can I do to fix it?

The root of over thinking is just wanting people to accept you and be happy with you because you are still learning how to be happy with yourself. It’s choosing words so carefully because you never want to intentionally hurt someone. Over thinking is the relationships that end, and you always think it’s you that’s to blame. Over thinking is the solutions you want to fix to something that isn’t even a problem. Over thinking is the want and need to control things because it feels like this “thing” in your life controls you.

But you know you learn to adapt to this “thing” that hurts to live with, but you don’t even remember what it was like to live without it. And as you navigate through ramped thoughts you’ll find comfort in others who love you through this flaw and they learn to adapt to having someone like you a part of their life and they are the ones who help you through it constantly reminding you they won’t leave.

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