Prisoner Of My Sins.

Let me start by saying I’ve always felt like I can’t let go of my past, and I feel like a prisoner most times. Hanging on to my sins and never forgiving myself is an awful existence. Sometimes, it becomes a constant nagging and painful thorn in the side that just won’t go away. Many times I stuff things down deep inside and fool myself that I’ve gotten over it; that I have in fact forgiven myself. I go along with only an occasional memory of those times I’d love to never think of again. Then, all of a sudden, something triggers those memories and it’s like I never moved forward at all.

I, personally, have had MANY times of feeling like I don’t belong. Believing that my horrific poor life choices disqualified me from being in the very places that God Himself put me! I’m not kidding. In fact, it tries to happen to this very day. There are great things, life and business opportunities, that I know are God-provided, but I wonder “why, me?” I have had moments where I sat in a group of people with whom I don’t really feel like I belong, and still do. I am convinced that the enemy preys on our memories and regrets, and taunts us with the many ways in which we have failed God.

I do find myself wondering why God places me with people that seem “out of my league”, if you will. How silly is that? My point is, I have very much lived in times where I feared the dreaded, “what if they find out?” It took me a long time to forgive myself for the things I had done and even longer to allow others to know, and there are things I haven’t been able to forgive myself for and beat myself up over it constantly.

One of the saddest things about hanging on to the past is how much it robs us of peace, joy and the ability to live the life we were designed for. The bitter roots from our past can run really deep, but they can be cut out. God is willing and able, but He wants you to be a willing participant.

Romans 8:28 says, “He makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him.” When we stop hanging on to old mistakes, and start letting Him work those things together for good, we can start living full and free.”

Now most people believe in karma, I do. And everyone has a past they regret. It’s no longer a matter of concern that my past will catch up to me because it already has. I knew my past would catch up to me eventually, but I didn’t know it would get this bad. I’m not ready to reveal my wrongdoings publicly yet, but I will make my confessions. For those of you who don’t know, karma is the belief that good and bad experiences in this life are the sum result of deeds done in both the current, and previous, lives. Karma is supposed to help us make sense of why we may be going through certain situations. It also gives us rationalization for the cycles of birth and death.

On a surface level perspective, karma bridges the gap between good actions (or intentions) and good results as well as bad actions (or intentions) and bad results. Essentially, what a person reaps in this life can be a consequence of what they sowed in their previous lives. What a person sows now, they will reap in a future life. And karma can accumulate, giving you a chance to balance out positive or negative consequences.

Anyway, you can never really escape your past no matter how far you roam or how cleverly you hide your mistakes. Sooner or later someone will find out about any misdeeds or perhaps any triumphs. I know one answer might be…be careful to stay on the steady path, the lawful path, the fair and kind path, the knowledge seeking path, the rewarding path of helping the less fortunate. I’m trying my very best to but it seems like my best isn’t good enough anymore, and being strong is exhausting now.

I’m not a religious person, and I know most of you who are will tell me if I haven’t repented and asked for God’s forgiveness for my past sins, then I’ll be sure my past will always haunt me. But if I have confessed and repented my sins before God, I am assured of forgiveness and freedom from condemnation. Well, I prayed my ass off but this dark cloud that’s been following me around for the past 20 years has gotten darker.

Our past, whether we like it or not, is part of our lives. We wouldn’t be where we are today if it weren’t for what happened yesterday. To some, that thought brings with it tons of regrets, like myself. To others, a myriad of things to be thankful for, and kudos to you. But whether we’re the former or the latter depends on how we respond to our past.

The past will always come and chase after us, simply because we have what we call the human memory. We will remember what we did and what happened to us, even going decades back. My past has finally caught up to me, and things aren’t looking good for me so far. It’s painful memories and I get nightmares. I’m very stressed, my anxiety is thru the roof, I’m trying my hardest to stay strong thru it all, but most of all I’m very scared.

I know it’s not the end of my life, I will pull thru and have a better future once this nightmare comes to rest. There’s no magic genie or wand that’s going to make my dark past disappear because I carry it with me for the rest of my life, but I can’t let it define who I am today or relive it. ~CTW~

“To forget oneself is to be happy.” ~Robert Louis Stevenson~

“An aim in life is the only fortune worth finding.” ~Robert Louis Stevenson~

“Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.” ~Robert Louis Stevenson~

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant.” ~Robert Louis Stevenson~

“So long as we love to serve; so long as we are loved by others, I would almost say that we are indispensable; and no man is useless while he has a friend.” ~Robert Louis Stevenson~

“In each of us, two natures are at war– the good and the evil. All our lives the fight goes on between them, and one of them must conquer. But in our own hands lies the power to choose–what we want most to be–we are.” ~Robert Louis Stevenson~

Remember…sooner or later…your past will catch up with you! 

pris

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One thought on “Prisoner Of My Sins.

  1. Jami Carder says:

    I hear you. I could have written this post myself, just two years ago. A lot can happen in two years. A lot. Keep talking. Vulnerability is the birthplace of courage.

    Liked by 1 person

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