A poetic rendition of my life as I look back on the pain, hurt and betrayals I’ve faced this last year. Through it all, I’m soothed by the notion that I control my thoughts and make over my perception, so I can see clearer.
I used to believe my past defined who I was. Self-doubt consumed me, barring me to a living hell, in my mind. Negative thoughts circled around, never could I let them go. Or the fear that someone would find out about my past.
Sometimes a voice of reason would say, “hey, who you are now is not who you were before.” And who was that person, anyway? No matter how I think of my past self, it’s a perception, and not necessarily reality.
Still, I’d wake to chaotic days, and could not slow the pace. Or shake the bad habits that pulled me down. Negative thoughts caused behaviors that couldn’t push me past the pain. So the cycle would go on, day after day.
Choosing vices that flew me out of my mind. Searching for anything that made me feel any way, but the way I did. I’d be fine for a while, but no matter how hard I tried to get away, the truth of my life could not be hid.
Where do I go when I feel alone? How can I love, if I cannot love myself?
What do I do to fill the missing piece to make me whole? Will it ever get better, I just didn’t know.
And so I read books to fill my mind with inspiring thoughts. Each positive word replacing the ones that feed my fears. And I uncover the power I possess over my thoughts. Oh, how the mind is a powerful place, I think, through the tears.
Thoughts that used to hurt me, are at once removed. I surrender to new messages that tell me:
I like me.
I am good.
I am kind.
And just like that, I hold the missing piece I thought I’d never find.