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As an anxiety sufferer, one of the most infuriating things you can hear is that you ought to simply “get over” your illness. The challenging thing about living with anxiety is the fact that many people refuse to acknowledge it as a legitimate illness.
Much of the time, what people with anxiety worry about when they are suffering is something entirely irrational. Just because there is technically “no need” to stress about a certain thing, that doesn’t make the fear any less real. There’s nothing more frustrating than being in the midst of a crippling panic, and someone explaining to you how very ludicrous your fears are. Shockingly, this tidbit of information does not help at all; if anything, it hinders.
While we’re on the subject of panic attacks, let’s talk about how they actually feel. Of course, everyone experiences these episodes in different ways, but there are some symptoms that every sufferer will recognize all too clearly. The surge of awful dread and fear comes over you out of nowhere. Suddenly, you’re completely gripped by the sense that all is not well; something truly terrible is about to happen. You can barely breathe, you feel hot, your heart rate quickens, and you want to leave the place that you are in. It physically hurts and you feel you have no control. And this barely scratches the surface of what it feels like to have anxiety.
In terms of mental illnesses, I think anxiety should be the easiest for people to understand. Everyone’s experienced some form of anxiety at one point in their lives. You’ve probably experienced butterflies in your stomach or tightness in your chest. Anxiety’s that feeling you get right before a presentation at work, a big exam, or even a hot date. These are all normal situations that deserve a small amount of anxiety. Despite all of this, it’s still hard for people to really understand what it’s like to have an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders are a serious mental illness. They occur when a person has persistent or chronic anxiety that causes distress and interferes with their ability to live their life. There are a few different varieties of anxiety disorders, which include: panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, phobias, and generalized anxiety disorder. Common symptoms that people experience when having anxiety are:
- Feelings of panic, fear, and uneasiness
- Problems sleeping
- Cold or sweaty hands and/or feet
- Shortness of breath
- Heart palpitations
- An inability to be still and calm
- Dry mouth
- Numbness or tingling in the hands or feet
- Muscle tension
Since I’m extremely lucky, I not only have bipolar disorder but I also suffer from an anxiety disorder. This is common in people with bipolar. Psychiatrists refer to this as comorbidity.
People often ask me: What sets off your anxiety? It can be a variety of things or nothing at all. For example, grocery shopping is a massive anxiety trigger for me. This may sound absolutely ridiculous to you. But the idea of figuring out what to eat, making a list, picking out products, and enduring the actual shopping trip induces extreme anxiety in me. I once had an anxiety attack trying to pick out a hair product to tame my curls/frizziness because there were too many varieties and I burst into tears in the middle of the aisle. Another time the crowd of people was too much for me and I abandoned my cart and resigned myself to take-out. This is the joy of having an anxiety disorder. Things that are simple or no-brainers for others cause me extreme anxiety.
Since anxiety is so much fun, some days I just wake up with it. My whole body is tense and my hands and feet tingle. I get out of bed feeling like I’ve forgotten something important and can’t remember what it is. This feeling can last all day and can make me exceptionally irritated. It makes focusing on tasks difficult and often makes me seem like my head is in the clouds. On these days I also tend to be very edgy.
Besides the symptoms mentioned above, I also get what I call sensory overload when I’m experiencing anxiety. Apparently, as I was doing some research for this post, this is a real thing that’s common in people with anxiety.
Last week I was making my visit to the pharmacy, and I realized it was just a bad day to leave the house. My heart was fluttering in my chest and the familiar pins and needles feeling was spreading over my body. Despite the cloud-covered day, everything was too bright, and I had to put on my sunglasses. Sirens from a fire truck made me jump out of my skin. The overstocked shelves in the pharmacy felt like they were closing in on me in a blur of colors. It was all I could do to make it to the pick-up counter and pay for my medications. My body was screaming at me to flee from the situation of apparent danger because that’s all anxiety is. It’s a reaction to danger. Except in my case, there isn’t any actual danger other than an over stimulation of my senses. By the time I made it home, all I wanted to do was hide under a blanket until my medication kicked in.
This is why living with anxiety can be so difficult. It makes living my life almost impossible at times because the simple act of leaving my house may set off an attack. It’s like the entire world is conspiring to make me feel like complete shit and I never know when it’s going to happen (which in and of itself is anxiety inducing).
So, if anyone ever admits to you that they have an anxiety disorder, don’t ever tell them that they “just need just to relax.” Because if it was that easy, I think we would have figured it out by now. ~CTW~
I accuse my depression of making me unable to cope with life. I accuse my depression of putting a veil over my life. I accuse my depression of taking away my chances to strive, of taking away my friends and my loved ones. I accuse my depression of lowering my social skills. I accuse my depression of preventing me to be a complete human being. I accuse my depression of putting chains on my wrists and ankles. I accuse my depression of talking me into wrong doings.
I accuse my anxiety of making me blind to the joy of meeting new people. I accuse my anxiety of slavery. I accuse my anxiety of taking away my peace, of seeing other people as demons. I accuse my anxiety of putting an unbearable burden on my shoulders. I accuse my anxiety of preventing me to talk to Saints.
I accuse my PTSD of making me live in the vicious past. I accuse my PTSD of putting me in the centrifuge with no brakes. I accuse my PTSD of taking away my tears. I accuse my PTSD of locking me inside my room. I accuse my PTSD of making me a wounded animal unable to live my life as a human.
I call for a new trial, your Honor. Make me testify, I would tell you how loving and caring of a person I am. I would tell you how much I love my significant other and my dog. I would tell you how I wished for a second chance to spend my time with my loved ones. I would tell you how I struggle every day to imitate life, to at least act like I am alive. I would tell you how I need you to release me from being unjustly imprisoned. I would tell you that moral police was wrong when they apprehended me for being unsuitable to society. I have no influence. I am invisible. I am below the threshold. But hear me anyway. I would like to tell you that I beg you for my life.
I plead not guilty, your Honor. “CTW”
Today is favorite quotes. I think it said quote, but I don’t have just one so it will be quotes🖤
🖤 “After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.” Aldous Huxley. -We all need silence to calm down or to focus, but when the silence is overwhelming music will soothe your soul. Over the years especially with my illness music ends up being my only refuge.
🖤 “But I don’t want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin.” – Aldous Huxley. This is actually on my blog page. I want a challenge in my life I don’t want to live comfortably. I want to step outside my boundaries and do something that will either cause me to fly or fall and I’m writing it right now. I am too creative and…
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