Nice Girl.

You ruin nice girls by taking their love for granted. 

You ruin nice girls by lying to them when all they’ve ever been is honest. 

You ruin nice girls when you suddenly expect things and stop saying thank you. 

You ruin nice girls thinking their kindness is their greatest weakness. 

You ruin nice girls by telling them they need to change.

By choosing someone else who treats you worse. 

You ruin nice girls by leading them on and playing games. 

When all they’ve been is real. 

You ruin nice girls when they give you their heart and you don’t see the value it in.

You ruin nice girls by just wanting to be friends. But by changing your tune the second alcohol presses against your lips.

You ruin nice girls by putting them on the back burner and thinking they will always be there. 

You ruin nice girls when you stop meeting them halfway.

When you make them try too hard. Care too much. Without giving even a little bit. 

You ruin nice girls when you break their heart and you make them think it’s their fault. 

You ruin nice girls when you walk away because you realize they have nothing left to give you.

You ruin nice girls when they finally give up. And they don’t have the strength to keep going. 

You ruin nice girls when they walk away and you don’t even care to notice.

You ruin nice girls the moment they realize they have to protect their heart.

And they change because of that. 

They change because they have to.

Because if they didn’t change, they would keep getting hurt. And eventually even the best, kindest, biggest heart can’t handle pain they didn’t deserve to begin with.

So their heart becomes cold.

Everything about them becomes numb. 

Their touch is one in the dark that’s no longer soft. 

Physically, they might be there, but emotionally, they’re checked out. 

Their eyes look at others seeing not the good in them but how they will be deceived. They listen to words strung together that sound nice but don’t believe it.

Their voices become silent because they don’t want to waste them. 

They put up walls no one can get past.

They learn to protect themselves because they’ve been taught they have to.

This is how you ruin a nice girl.

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Hard To Hold.

It’s the text that’s gone unanswered and you know he’s read it.

It’s the snap that’s been opened and he’s not responding, but looks at your story first.

It’s every like, share, and tag just when you think he’s out of the picture.

It’s the plan that you made only to have him cancel last minute when you go to confirm what the deal is.

It’s the sound that wakes you up in your sleep and you just know it’s him.

You don’t want to leave but you miss him. Even though you know you shouldn’t.

It’s technically being single but emotionally you’re not, and just when you think something is going somewhere with a stranger, you look down and see his name. 

He holds you without any touch at all.

He knows exactly what to say. He knows exactly when to say it. And you don’t know how he knows.

If it’s a game of who cares less, you always lose. 

Even though you don’t want to play, you continue engaging because you can’t seem to walk away from it.

It’s the words I love you and he knows it, but he won’t ever say them back.

It’s wanting to be something more, but you feel stupid asking a question you know the answer to.

So you stay silent and play along even if it’s killing you to do so.

You hold him close at night knowing this will never be what you need, even if it’s everything you could want.

It’s the time you spend talking about him, analyzing his every move, wondering why is he doing this? Because he knows exactly what he’s doing. Yet, he won’t change.

But you think if you keep trying he might.

So you try to love him harder thinking love is just a game to be won. But no matter what you do, you’re losing. Cause he changes every rule as he pleases.

It’s trying to keep him but knowing in your heart he’s never been yours to have and honestly, he never will be.

 


Forgive Yourself.

Forgive yourself for what happened. For the mistakes you made. For not showing up the way up the way you needed to.

For not being the person you wanted to be.

You’re human.

You did the best you could in the moment given what you knew and what you had, and that’s all you can ask of yourself.

You’re still learning.

You’re still finding your way. And that takes time.

You’re allowed to give yourself that time.

And you’re allowed to show up in the world imperfectly. You’re allowed to fail at things you tried hard for.

You’re allowed to realize you made the wrong decision.

You’re allowed to be someone who’s still figuring out their path and their purpose.

And you’re allowed to forgive yourself.

You can’t go back and change the decisions you’ve made, but you can choose what you do today. You can keep choosing, again and again. You can start over. And that’s where your power is. In today.

So no more beating yourself up.

No more going over and over it again in your head and torturing yourself with the past. What happened, happened, and all the shame and self-hatred in the world won’t undo that.

Today, you’re starting over.

Today, you’re moving forward with the new knowledge and experiences you have.

Today, you can be the person you want to be and live the life you want to live.

You’re not a bad person.

You’re not a disappointment or a failure.

You’re just human.

You’re still learning, growing, and finding your way. And it’s okay. You’ll be okay.

Beautiful woman in the mirror reflected the smiles magically in retro interior

It’s You, Not Me.

I know that sometimes you have to take the loss. You have to accept what you can’t change, because holding onto something bad is never the answer.

But after all this time, after everything that happened, everything that went wrong, I want you to think about one thing.

It was never the wrong time, you were just the wrong one.

I know now that I should never have to beg for someone to care. I should never have to make excuse after excuse, spend time making sure someone is happy, even when I’m losing myself.

That’s what you taught me.

And maybe you were a milestone, another lesson to learn, another thing to get over.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, you weren’t the only good thing in my life. You weren’t worth fighting for. And as much as I hate to admit it, I think I knew that long before it was over.

I knew that you could never be the one to give me the kind of love I deserve. The kind of love that I gave to you.

Looking back, it was only ever one sided. And for that, I cannot forgive you. I can move past it, I can get my old self back, but there are things that you took that I can’t find anymore. And that feeling doesn’t just go away overnight.

But I want you to know, that blaming the situation or the circumstance doesn’t cut it.

You were the one that changed. When I really needed you, when I thought you were going to be there, you weren’t. I spent so much, much of my energy hoping that if I held on, if I gave you more and more of me, that maybe, you would show me the same love in return.

Maybe it makes you feel better, less guilty, or more like a man saying that it was my fault. Pretending that I couldn’t be what or who you wanted or thought I was.

But the truth is, I was everything you could have hoped for, and for you, it still wasn’t enough.

So please, whatever you do now, wherever you find yourself, and whoever you chose next, just know that you can’t love someone until you love yourself.

And you can’t expect care and affection if you aren’t willing to do give the same way that you get.

There are still some nights when I think about you. When I hope that you’re doing well, even though I know that I never cross your mind.

It might have taken a little longer than I wanted, but I know now that there is no one to blame but you.

I know that forgetting you, forgetting everything that we did and said together will only help me heal.

But I also know myself. And I know you, even if you tried for so long to keep me at arm’s length. I would say that I wish you the best, but my heart wouldn’t be in it.

All I can say now is, that it happened. We happened. While I am growing and changing from it, I know that you are still standing still.

And I guess that sometimes, that’s the only kind of ending anyone gets.

Love Yourself.

Stop waiting until you lose weight to love yourself. Stop waiting until your hair grows longer. Stop waiting until you can afford fancier clothes. Stop waiting until a boy loves you. Stop waiting until you get older.

Love yourself now because you deserve it. The relationship with yourself is the precedent for all the other relationships you have in your life. When you don’t love yourself, you will allow others to treat you badly, because you think you’re not worthy of better treatment.

When you don’t love yourself, the mirror becomes a billboard for all your insecurities. No matter how you many times you try to change yourself, it will never be enough. Because you will always find something else to be unhappy with.

When you don’t love yourself, there’s always this voice in your head telling you all the ways your unloveable. Telling you you’re ugly, fat, stupid. Blaming you for every failure you’ve ever had.

When you don’t love yourself, you can’t ever be comfortable in your own space. So you fill it with people that don’t encourage you to love yourself, but rather teach you how to further distance yourself from self-love.

Self-love is the best love because it’s one that is guaranteed. When others walk in and out of your life, you will always be left with yourself.

Life is too short to spend it hating yourself, because it only makes you miserable. It feels so easy to love others rather than ourselves because we know everything about us. We know our flaws, weaknesses, and failures. But despite it all, we are all deserving from the love that comes from within.

Love yourself at every stage. Love yourself in your darkness. Love yourself through the pain. Love yourself even when it feels impossible.

Don’t procrastinate loving yourself, because it’ll only make things that much harder. Love yourself now. At this very hour and this very minute.

God Is Always On Time.

With everything that has been going on lately, I never forget to pray at night before I sleep. I always thank God that today has happened and that everything is happening according to His will and His plans. I was never quite sure about all the plans He has in store for me. I was always focused on my plans and my own journey through life.

There were times when I questioned Him about why I was rejected from the dream job I applied to, or why I had to be far away from home just to earn money to survive, or why I had to reject something I thought I wanted and needed. It took time for me to accept that some rejections and some delays were actually blessings in disguise.

Sometimes it is really hard to accept that some things are really not meant for you. But in time, you will come to know that those things, the things you thought would really make you happy, are the same things that will bring you down. Acceptance of some things that are not meant for you, will always set you free.

I know how cliché it sounds when people tell you, “If it is meant to be, it will be.” But truth be told, it is actually right. Rushing into things and situations that you are clearly not ready for yet will only cause you more damage than you could imagine.

This life taught me that God always knows my heart’s desires and my goals in life. Even when you thought He was quiet, the truth is, He was planning the future you deserve.

We may think that His response is sometimes late, but He is never late. He is always on time. Our perspective of things or jobs or news delivered late is actually us rushing through the course of life. Life has its own way of surprising us, and God is the only way.

The minute I accepted that I am not in control of everything and I surrender my plans and goals to Him is the same moment I felt free. So to anyone fighting battles or waiting for something, remember this: Everything that is meant for you will always come to you, regardless of the time.

Growing Pains.

Remember when you were 8 years old and lying in bed and your ankles hurt so much? Your parents told you that they were called growing pains and that you’ll have to go through them for a little bit, but then you’ll be bigger and stronger soon. Yeah, they definitely hurt for a while but then they eventually stopped and you were finally grown. This exact phenomenon happens to people when they’re ready to change.

Whether it’s moving to a new city, starting a new job, cutting out bad habits, or really any change to your usual lifestyle, it’s not going to be easy. The beginning of it, you’ll have growing pains. And the reason you’ll feel this pain, is because you’re letting go of something that you have right now. Whether it’s friends you have outgrown, bad habits you need to overcome or a new lifestyle you want to live, you’re going to have to let go of something in order to change. But the beauty of it is, that although you’re letting go of something, it’s going to be replaced with something even better. Something that will make you a better and more true version of yourself.

They’re called growing pains for a reason. It’s hard to let go of what you already know. It’s painful. Change can be painful. But that’s also why they’re called growing pains. It means you’re growing. It means you’re changing. It means you’re going after something you want. And that’s pretty awesome. So if you’re going through these growing pains, remember that the next better version of yourself is coming soon. It’ll hurt for a while, but nothing will compare to the feeling of knowing that you’ve finally grown.

You don’t even remember your growing pains when you were a little kid, right? You only remember them when they’re brought up. The same thing will happen again. You won’t remember the hurt you’re going through now. You’ll only remember the growing. So keep going. Keep growing. You’re almost there.