Past, Present, Future.

When you finally meet the right person, there’s this unfamiliar confidence you have in another person. It’s just looking at them and knowing. 

In the past, you might have just known blurry lines and confusion. Games and mixed signals.

But suddenly all of those things disappear.

When you finally meet the right person, there’s this certainty you have not just in yourself and your judgment, but in them and what they do to make you feel safe.

In the past, it always felt like you were walking on eggshells. When every wrong move could have led to something ending or someone just leaving, you had to be careful.

But suddenly it’s like you don’t have to worry too much about anything because this person accepts you in all forms.

When you finally meet the right person, you realize home has never been a place but rather this person who has given you a reason to stay. 

In the past, all places did was remind you of regrets in the forms of names.

But suddenly this person recreates everything and repaints it into something beautiful.

When you meet the right person, you suddenly find yourself not dwelling the past and allowing that to haunt you but rather looking forward to a future because in someone else’s eyes you see a calmness you’ve never known.

In the past, you took relationships day by day knowing it could change at any moment.

Suddenly this person just shows you what a relationship should be.

When you finally meet the right person, they’ll introduce you to their family and friends because they want them to know about the person who has swept them off their feet.

In the past, all people did was give excuses as to why you couldn’t meet their family.

Suddenly this person shows you what being serious about someone actually means.

When you finally meet the right person, you’ll see someone caring as much as you do.

In the past, it was an effort on your part and hoping someone would reciprocate it. But all they did was take what you had to give and not care.

Suddenly this person is this example of everything you’ve ever deserved. They want to be the ones who are different.

Because it isn’t just about winning you over, it’s about giving you a reason to stay once they already have you. 

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Haunted Memories.

The text you don’t get in the morning.

The notification you no longer see.

The snapchats that aren’t from them.

In fact, they already removed you.

Not knowing about their day.

Or anything in their life at all.

That article of clothing or gift dusts in the corner.

The pictures no longer make you smile.

The moment they remove themselves from it.

Like you never existed at all.

It’s being unfriended.

Unfollowed.

The left you used to take, driving to see them. 

In pains you to go the other way.

The loneliness that haunts you.

As you wonder do they miss me too?

It’s tossing and turning late at night.

It’s just not being hungry.

It’s the empty feeling without them.

And someone you used to be so certain of.

Suddenly looks like a lie.

It’s the pain in someone asking how they are?

And you have to tell them you’re not together.

It’s laying there at night wondering who is holding them.

It’s the dreams that turn into nightmares. 

Like they are everywhere and there is no way to escape them.

It’s running into them and just not knowing what to do.

It’s looking at some stranger.

But you know every one of their secrets.

You know how they like to be kissed. 

You know how they like to be held.

You know exactly what to say to calm them down.

Here you are with an abundance of information.

You don’t know what to do with.

Then you try and move on.

But in everyone you look at, you search for them.

As if finding them would lead you to find yourself again.

Because when they left, they took all of you with them.

But everyone falls short.

Everyone leaves you a little more empty.

Because when they are the one person who can make you feel better.

Is the one who has made you fall apart.

How do you even save yourself?

How do you find yourself again?



Every Time Someone Leaves.

Every time someone leaves, I always think I’ll handle it a little more gracefully. 

Like I won’t fall to my knees on the bathroom floor crying in a scream that no one actually hears because I only let myself be that vulnerable when I’m alone.

Every time someone leaves, I always think I’ll be okay. 

Okay. I’m not sleeping at night and I’m tired during the day and my best friend asks, “did you eat today?” And I think back to the last meal I had and I don’t remember was it yesterday or the day before and why doesn’t it hurt?

Because the truth is, hunger pains don’t compare to the pain of someone leaving.

Every time someone leaves, I think I’ll channel the pain into productivity.

But the truth is, I lay there numb not wanting to move. I stare at the computer screen lost. I hold back tears or go to the bathroom looking at myself falling apart.

Every time someone leaves, I think it’ll make me stronger. 

But I hit rock bottom so fast and so hard I shatter to pieces on the ground. And my friends ask how I am and I can’t answer. I can’t make them understand the weight of heavy feelings watching someone go.

As if it was me who wasn’t good enough to make them stay.

Every time someone leaves, I remember saying to myself, “don’t get too attached.

But how can you not when you meet this person who teaches you to love yourself? How can you not when you look at someone else and suddenly you have a reason to get up in the morning? Don’t get too attached, but how can you not when this person knows you to the core of who you are and they’ve accepted it?

But what if they knew you too much and it was you that was too much to handle?

Every time someone leaves, I always blame myself. 

Like I’m the one that fucked up. Had I not said something wrong or done something, they would have stayed. I put it all on me and blame myself. I hold it over my own head. I apologize to God hoping He will pass along the message. I beat myself up as if I deserve to live with this. The truth is, I don’t know how to forgive myself for the things I do wrong or the people who leave.

Every time someone leaves, I never sleep at night.

They meet me in my dreams that turn to nightmares haunting me. And I lay there sick to my stomach and I run to the bathroom and I throw up. Only nothing but spit is coming out because I haven’t eaten.

I didn’t know someone’s absence can physically affect you like that.

Every time someone leaves, I sit there like a ghost.

I have nothing to say. Nothing to add to conversations. I’m the last person you’d want to invite to a party.

Physically I’m there, but emotionally I’m so checked out.

And I go to the doctor and they sign a paper. As if pills are to solve the problem.

But there aren’t enough pills I can pop to fill the emptiness you left me with.

And I look in the mirror overcome with hate of the person looking back at me because I know that why they left.

If I was a little more whole. A little less needy. A little more normal. Maybe they’d stay.

Every time someone leaves, I think I’m the one who lost something. 

With every exit, I lose myself watching the ones I love go.

I search for them in the eyes of strangers hoping maybe I’ll find myself again.

Every time someone leaves, I replay the past in my mind like it’s some annoying song I hate I repeat. 

The hardest part isn’t the forgiveness of others, but the skeletons I dance with in my own closet not letting it go.

Every time someone leaves, I try to numb the pain. 

Next thing I know the room is spinning and I’m slurring words and the only thing that comes out clearly is, “I miss you.”

Every time someone leaves, I hate myself for how much it affects me. 

Envious of those who can write others off and never think about them again.

But a heart like mine takes everyone with me even those I lose along the way.

Loving A Damaged Girl.

When a girl is damaged, it isn’t something to look at like she’ll be tough to deal with. Hard to love. Difficult. Oftentimes, the ones who are like that are the ones capable of loving the deepest and loving the most. They are the ones who haven’t been loved the way they deserved and it was there they learned its meaning.

Damaged girls come out the strongest. They come out with edges that aren’t smooth. But they have a sensitivity that is unlike anything else.

They are the ones who have had experiences that have shaped them. At a time when maybe someone else’s control dictated her life. Control of choices. Control of her life. Control of her mind. Her body. Everything weren’t hers to choose, but rather answering to someone who made her feel powerless. Someone who needed to control her to feel their own sense of worth. Someone who needed to break her down to build themselves back up. That’s how girls become damaged. When their main purpose is there to service another. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally.

It was there she learned about trust, but learned she could only trust herself.

It was there she learned about strength, but learned it had to be all her own and she couldn’t rely on anyone.

It was there she learned how to hide emotions or it would be considered a weakness and used against her.

It was there she learned even the worst situations she was capable of overcoming.

A girl who is damaged is one who has survived. One who has chosen to keep going despite being given every reason not to.

But despite overcoming something that caused pain, it doesn’t go away. It haunts her. She lives with her experiences she regrets and takes full responsibility even if the blame isn’t hers to bear. Even if something happened that wasn’t her fault, she takes ownership of it. She hangs onto it not letting it go, even if it haunts her to cling to. She feels she deserves to live with the weight of things that aren’t hers to carry.

And it isn’t until someone comes along and teaches everything she’s been through wasn’t her fault. She didn’t deserve it. She doesn’t need to keep holding on.

But she too fears to let someone that close. She fears to let someone in. She fears vulnerability because she was taught that is a sign of weakness.

Her walls are built to protect her, but it also keeps people out. She thinks she’s better off alone. She thinks it’s better this way. She thinks no one will understand her damage.

And she doesn’t want pity. She doesn’t want people feeling bad. She just wants it to no longer affect her, but with every step she takes and every person she pushes away, it’s a reminder of that experience affecting her today. 

It’s always there. Haunting her in a way.

The reminder she will never be fixed or be whole.

So when you love a girl who is damaged, you have to remind her you aren’t trying to fix her or put her broken pieces back together. You aren’t trying to change her. You accept her for all she is. And it’ll take time and patience but she’ll learn to accept herself too.

You have to understand someone in the past taught her she wasn’t capable or deserving of someone else’s love. It is in your ability to unteach her these things and show her through example how it should have been the whole time what she deserved from the start.

When you love a girl who is damaged, you are accepting her flaws and all. You are accepting her on her worst day and on her best. You are loving her in the moments she breaks down because things in the past still haunt her. You are the arms that will hold her at her weakest. You are the strength on the worst days. You are the light in the darkness for her.

It’s teaching her she’s made it this far alone and now she doesn’t have to. It’s teaching her she doesn’t need to be fixed or changed. She just has to accept herself and her past which comes as the greatest challenge. 

Loving a girl who is damaged, isn’t just about winning her over or trying to prove you deserve her, it’s more about teaching what she deserves and what you will never stop giving her, which is the unconditional love she’s probably lacked from another.

But it isn’t so much you’re filling a void from the past as you are filling her life in a way that she always thought would be empty.

When you gain her trust, you’ll realize how she might be a little difficult but her ability to love, the way she does it, the strength she has become something you admire so greatly. Had she not experienced the things she did, she wouldn’t have turned out as perfect in your eyes as she appears to be. 

Undescribable Pain.

You wake up and every single day it’s that reminder of the pain that is still present. Everyone says it’ll go away. It’ll get easier. It’ll stop hurting so much. But when you’re overcome with just this numb feeling that doesn’t subside, you just want to lay there. You don’t want to get up. You don’t want to move. You don’t want to do anything that day. You want to fall back to sleep because it’s easier to get lost in dreams than be hit hard with the reality of what it is you are feeling. 

You want simply to make it go away. But it doesn’t. It’s just there consuming all that you are. It’s there with every thought. And you replay the past in your mind thinking about what led up to this. What you could have changed. Was it your fault? How do you fix this?

You lay there for a moment wondering if they miss you too. Wondering if today will be the day you hear from them. Then another day without them begins.

Then you muster any strength you have left to just get up and start your day. You look at your calendar and just wonder how much longer the weight of these feelings are going to consume you. Next week. Next month. But when all you are trying to do is get through the next 24 hours, every day is like a marathon of your life without them in it.

Then your day starts and everything reminds you of them. Every song you listen to. Every step that you take. Every word that you say. And you’re going through the motions but you feel lost, empty, and hollow. When they left, they took everything that made you who you were. When they left, they took the best parts of you. Because in your mind the best part of you was always them. 

And you’ve felt and overcome pain before, but this time it’s different. This time it doesn’t feel like you are going to heal or get better. Maybe just learn to live without them. Learn to live broken. Learn to live when you don’t even feel like you’re living, you are just doing what you have to do to survive. 24 hours seem so long when you are fixated on the past.

And everyone asks how you are doing, and you say fine because no one wants to hear you’ve cried yourself to sleep last night. No one wants to hear you aren’t even hungry. No one wants to hear you can’t sleep at night without taking something, and even when you do you awake at 3 am and the pain hurts even more.

Then the thought creeps up, they are probably sleeping peacefully unfazed by the pain they’ve caused and what it is you’re going through. And you wonder how can you feel everything so deeply for someone who doesn’t even care that you’re hurting? Because there was once a time they did. And the past plagues you with regret as you replay all the good moments.

And that’s what haunts you the most, are the good times. And you cling to it like it’s something you’ll forget. But the truth is, even if you had the choice to forget them, you wouldn’t want to. Even if you knew the outcome would be you falling to your knees alone, you’d still choose them. Because even with all this pain that feels heavy in your chest, you know that it’s better to have known them. Loved them. Given it your all. And felt everything. Then never have experienced it at all.

And when people ask even when tears are streaming down your face saying their name, you know they are still the best thing that’s ever happened to you. 


Love Isn’t Toxic.

When a toxic relationship ends, it’s always on their terms. Toxic relationships have one thing in common, the love for one person and one person only. 

They revolve around the giving, taking, and seeing how if affects the other person. We fixate on these people swearing it’s love but in reality, it’s the love we are pining after that they refuse to give us. Toxic relationships are all about getting you hooked and keeping you around and watching every move you make is because of something they’ve done.

Suddenly you are addicted to these highs and lows and twists and turns and saying one thing and doing another. What you don’t see is the affect it really has on you getting yourself involved in a relationship like this. It’s completely self-destructive and you don’t even see it. But everyone else around you does.

It’s the coming and going. It’s the games. It’s making your head spin every which way. It’s the inconsistency of treating you well one moment then like shit the next. Spoiling you, only to ignore you. Making these elaborate plans, only to cancel. Keep tabs on you when they know you’re out and saying exactly what they need to, to ruin whatever night you are having. Because if you aren’t with them, they’ll make sure you don’t have a good night.

Anyone who has a pattern of dating people like this get obsessed with all of this. Pulling you in just to push you away. It’s kind of like a high in a way. They pull away, you try harder. You pull away, they lure you back in with coy words and actions that never come through. With toxic relationships, it’s all about power and who has it. And no matter what move you make, this person knows how to regain power over you at any time.

But then it ends. Suddenly you feel like you’re falling apart. And everyone says you’re better off without this person, but you don’t even see it that way. All you feel is this pain and missing them in the good moments you forget about the bad.

When a relationship ends where the foundation was built on confusion, you never actually know if the ending is real or if the person will come waltzing back into your life.

You think about every good thing and that’s what you focus on, the good moments without taking into consideration all those times you were crying yourself to sleep over them switching to neglect. How easily you forget the times they canceled. The plans that fell through. The times they didn’t show up. The times they ignored you. With someone who is toxic, you channel your brain into only thinking about the good times. Your emotional connection to them makes you see the relationship through rose colored lenses. But your friends on the only hand, hold to all the bad moments and they don’t forget it.

Toxic people are very good at manipulating you. They may say one kind thing or act in a way, but then it’s immediately followed by mistreatment. The first actions justify their second but all you’re thinking is, “what the fuck!” And that’s exactly what they want you thinking.

The thing about toxic people is they are never sure of anything. They can never give you a solid answer. Their word isn’t something you can rely on when they are constantly changing their tune. Uncertain would be the best word to describe someone toxic. They constantly keep you guessing, wondering, and trying too hard. So when they leave, part of you thinks it’s a real goodbye the other part of you thinks, it’s just another circle you are running in.

But when a toxic person walks away from you or you find the strength to walk away yourself, understand that toxic people are like drug addictions. In order to ever fully be clean of them, you have to rid yourself of them entirely. And I know it hurts. I know you miss them. I know you don’t think you’ll meet someone who will give you such an adrenaline rush in a relationship. But what you don’t realize yet is, healthy relationships aren’t supposed to be like that. Healthy relationships aren’t about giving and taking. It isn’t about someone caring more. It isn’t about control.

So when you lose a toxic relationship and you think you are the one that’s lost something, remember what you actually gained. Even if it feels like you’ve lost yourself to this relationship. Because love isn’t toxic. Someone hurting you isn’t right. Someone using you to fill voids in their own lives will never make them whole. And it isn’t your job to make them whole at the cost of breaking yourself to get them there.

I’m Not The Girl You Date.

I’m not the girl you date.

I’m the girl you think about dating. 

I’m the girl you flirt with and hit on but that’s all it is.

I’m the girl who will always be there when you need me to be.

The one who shows how she feels a little too obvious sometimes.

I’m the one you know you could have if you wanted to.

But the thing is, all you really want is the attention.

Because I don’t keep you guessing.

I don’t keep you on your toes.

I don’t play hard to get.

I’m honest.

I’m not the girl you date.

I’m not the girl you tell your friends about. 

But I am the one that’s in the back of your mind.

I’m the girl you can talk to about anyone or anything.

Even if it hurts me to hear.

I’m the one who will boost your confidence when your heart gets broken.

Filling your ears with compliments.

Because that’s how I truly see you.

I’m not the girl you’ll lose sleep over at night. 

Or fall head over heels for.

I’m the girl who hasn’t given up on you.

The one who has won over your heart slowing winning a piece of it.

No matter how many times you tried to deny it.

I’m the girl who got into your heart and life carefully.

But I’m not the girl you date.

I’m not the girl who needs a lot of attention.

But I value what you do give me.

Even if it’s less than I deserve.

I’m the girl who will forgive you when you’re wrong.

Because I understand anger is really masked pain.

And I’m the one you can always take it out on.

Knowing I’ll forgive you.

I’m the girl who will answer your text embarrassingly fast. 

I’m the one who will open every snapchat the second I get it.

And look at every story first.

I’m the girl who will blow up your notifications.

Because in a generation I fail to understand apparently that’s showing you care.

I’m the girl who will always give more than I get.

The one who starts every conversation.

The one who makes every plan.

The one who doesn’t meet you halfway, but you don’t have to raise a finger.

I’m the girl who will give her best.

Give the most.

Love the hardest.

Because that’s all I really know how to do.

I’m not the girl you date.

I’m the girl you’ll always think is right there waiting.

Until I get tired.

Tired of waiting.

Tired of trying.

Tired of hoping.

Tired of trying to prove I deserve you.

And when I get tired enough.

I’ll walk away.

And it’ll break my heart to not look back.

It’ll break me to learn undo you.

Because you’ve become a habit.

I’m not the girl you date.

I’m the girl you think about dating.

The girl you know would be good for you.

The girl you look for every reason not to take a chance on.

I’m not the girl you date.

But when it’s over.

And I’m the one that gets hurt.

I’m the girl you’ll look back at with regret.