If I Never Met YOu.

If I never met you, my favorite show would probably be different. The one you swore I’d like and made me binge watch, even though I didn’t want to.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t know what real love was and what it meant to blindly take a chance on someone.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t know what being truly happy and content meant, but with you I was.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t have learned to see myself through someone else’s eyes.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t freeze every time I hear that song, getting taken back to moments where slow dances in the kitchen were simple and enough.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t have fallen in love with that small city where we met realizing I can find home thousands of miles away.

If I never met you, I would probably be a little more afraid of leaving, but I realize there is so much to be found in places I’ve never been. Because if people like you exist in other places, I hope I meet them too.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t crave that food at 2am, the one we’d always stop for before we went home.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t be as educated and well-rounded about politics, because I always wanted to beat you in our debates that you won.

If I never met you, there’d be documentaries unwatched. Books unread. Movies I’d never even care to sit through. Songs unheard. Food untried. And restaurants that became ours.

If I never met you, there would be pictures I might not cling to so tightly. And memories I don’t play on repeat in my mind.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what loss actually felt like, and that sometimes someone’s absence can bring you to your knees.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know the pain I felt when it ended, but I also wouldn’t know true happiness and love.

Moments where 2am met me with your arms pulling me in.

Moments where your fingers ran through my hair, and the touch I still crave.

Moments where I’d freeze in the moment, wondering how I got so lucky.

Moments where my favorite flowers sat on the table, ‘just because.’

Moments where that goodbye, broke us both.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what tough love was.

I wouldn’t know about the games they play and be able to predict every move.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know how well to read people. And that sometimes they aren’t what they seem.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know about patience.

Because you tested me time and time again.

But I refused to give up on you.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know that sometimes the most beautiful people are the ones who endure the worst of things, but come out on the other end resilient.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what it meant to never stop fighting for someone you love, because I would have never given up on you.

I would have missed out on slow dances. And corny jokes. And that movie we watched in your basement. On a date I refused to call one.

The place you took me that was yours. If I told you I still go back there, would you think I’m crazy?

Walks on the beach, where we got lost in each other’s company.

Conversations, where you seemed to understand everything I was thinking and feeling.

If I never met you, I would have missed so many kisses. The ones that made me lose my breath.

You always seemed to go after the things you wanted, and for long it was me. I admired you for that.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to learn from someone.

I wouldn’t know about my own strength, because you pushed me past my breaking point on so many occasions.

I wouldn’t know what it meant to look at someone after screaming with frustration, but somehow find a resolution. Because no matter how bad it was or what was said, we always found our way back to each other.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t have had to heal.

Finding comfort in the arms of strangers, because goodbye without the word left me falling to my knees.

When you put faith in someone and they walk away, that’s enough to change you into someone you aren’t.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know about my vices. The ones I blamed you for, but in doing so, I learned to take ownership of my life.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to get up again after falling so hard.

If I never met you, there might have been a lot of tears I didn’t spend crying myself to sleep at night. But I would have missed out on every good moment too.

The birthday you showed up for when you swore you weren’t coming.

The New Years where you stayed on the phone with me until midnight.

That moment you won your biggest game and I stood in an empty gym waiting for you to come out of the locker room, and I jumped from the bleachers into your arms telling you how proud I am of you.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to have a relationship that’s a team because as much as you wanted me succeeding and doing well, I wanted the same. As much as I was your fan, you were mine.

The night out where slurred words spoke a sober heart. And you kissed me unapologetically.

You too learned to be patient with me, because I didn’t trust too many people before you. And after you, you were the only one I believed in.

That “I love you” I waited so long to hear.

If I never met you, I think I’d spend the rest of my life missing you, searching for someone who makes me feel a little more whole.

If I never met you, sometimes I wonder about the person I’d be today.

I wonder would I have accomplished as much or was it your support and love that pushed me?? Our teamwork and our ability to do anything we set our mind to. The truth is when you stood next to me, I felt like anything was possible.

I looked at you like you were truly one of the best people I’ve ever known. Someone I feel lucky to have loved.

If I never met you, I wonder what my standard would be for what I expect. Because you opened every door, you paid every tab, you were one of the few people who cared enough to make sure I stood on the inside of a sidewalk, even though I didn’t like that.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to just look at someone across the room and be happy.

I wouldn’t know about sacrifice because at one point, I would have gone anywhere and done anything for you.

I never stopped trying with you. I never gave up on you. Because you always seemed worth it.
And when people told me to walk away, I couldn’t seem to.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to have someone love me at my worst. Because at moments of rock bottom when I was a version of myself neither of us recognized, you stayed.

When I was difficult to deal with and unkind, you tried to understand. When I did things I wasn’t proud of, you forgave me, helping me to learn.

If I never met you, there are so many nights I would have missed out on laughing over beers.

Conversations at 2am where we were just so honest.

A connection I didn’t think I’d find in someone else. I don’t know what it was we had, but I am so happy to have had it.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know how far I could push myself because you never let me settle.
You were always that voice reminding me what I could do.

If I never met you, there is an entire genre of books I probably wouldn’t have read.

Bars I wouldn’t have cared to go to just to see you and spend time with you.

If I never met you, there are trips I probably wouldn’t have gone on because you were always the one who told me to take chances in life.

I wouldn’t know what it meant to learn to rely on myself because even though I turned to you often, you taught me about my own strength.

If I never met you, I probably would still be afraid of three words I swore I wouldn’t say again.
But they escaped my mouth so easily with you.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to be truly vulnerable and watch every wall come crashing down telling you things I hadn’t even admitted to myself out loud.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t listen as closely to certain songs. And have a single artist I hear and in his voice I see your ghost singing along with me.

Moments where I asked you to drive me home just so I could spend more time with you.

Moments where you’d call ahead to where I was drinking just to buy me a round.

Moments you really went out of your way for me.

Moments where you really appreciated me, valued me, and thanked me for what I did. But I looked at you in awe.

Moments where I’d come running into your arms sharing in my accomplishments, I can still hear your voice telling me how proud you are of all I’ve done.

But you were also there for the bad days too.

It was in you I learned how selfless love is.

Because I had to let you go even when I wanted to hold on tighter.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t look for you in everyone because it was in you I found parts of myself

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know about loyalty. Because you stood by me through everything.

If I never met you, my life would be a little less funny because you always knew how to make me laugh on days I couldn’t even smile.

If I never met you, there would probably be shows I didn’t go to, the ones you took me to. Or the ones I went to when you played.

Standing front row watching you.

Songs you sang to me that I still replay smiling.

Slow dances where you made me feel like I was the only one in the room.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to have someone learn me so well that they change their behavior just to appease me and make my life easier.

Because there were things I didn’t like, and you were so easy-going just wanting to make me happy.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t have known a family that became my own. Being welcome into holiday traditions and gifts that didn’t matter, because spending time with you was enough.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t have known what it was like to have someone meet me halfway.

If I never met you, I probably wouldn’t have such high standards. Because you taught me chivalry isn’t dead even if you were the only one acting that way.

If I never met you, I would have missed out on so many mornings where you say something simple like, “good morning beautiful.” Or always say “goodnight, sleep well.”

Moments where you showed up for every big moment and when I look back, you’re there.

The birthdays. The family parties. The funeral. The vacations. The celebrations. And graduations. And jobs with promotions. The moments that broke us, but we had each other.

You built me up and made me so much better than I ever thought I could be. Love does that to a person.

If I never met you, I wouldn’t have changed for the better.

Some question soul mates, but I meet certain people and I know we were meant to meet each other for a reason. The love I felt doesn’t fade nor is it forgotten, but keeping me whole even when they leave.

I believe there are some connections within us that will forever keep us bonded. And relationships that might end, but love isn’t something that has to.

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Why She Chooses Emotionally Unavailable Men.

She’s the one who was always in control of her life. The one with a plan. The one who enjoys playing by her own rules.

Then love came into the picture. And it wasn’t some half-hearted love story. It was the real thing. It was the relationship that changed her. The relationship where she put it all on the line for someone else. The relationship she let someone in so close that when they hurt her, she lost herself. And in a desperate attempt to try to win him back she became almost completely opposite of the version of who she knew herself to be.

But she healed. Or pretended to. And as time went by she made a promise to herself, she would never put a man before her priorities or goals. That when she falls in love again, it won’t come with such sacrifice. But love for her didn’t come, because she put up such high walls and she wouldn’t let anyone in. Or the people she did let close to her, were the men who were challenging. The men who didn’t require commitment. The men who kept her at arm’s length too.

She swore she wanted a relationship, but she was still overcome with fear of someone entering her life and changing in a way that would mess up her routine. So instead of falling for decent men, she’d fall for ones she knew had the common theme of the same ending. Something not working out. Her getting hurt, let down, and disappointed again. At least if she was choosing these types of people, she knew what the ending would be.

It wouldn’t be one where she’s jumping on the first plane she could, pouring her heart out, almost risking everything for a single person. She fell in love, she got hurt, and she lost the person she used to be. The one who believed in love so deeply.

The truth is, it isn’t that she doesn’t know real love or know what it’s like to have it reciprocated. She knows it’s power and when she got it right, she changed and was willing to do anything for that other person.

She thought back to the pain and the tears she cried, questioning her self-worth. She made the decision no one would ever make her feel that way if she had any say in it.

You might say she dates foolishly going for a certain type who never commits or gives her what she deserves, but what she’s really doing is protecting herself.

When she goes for emotionally unavailable men, she’s still maintaining a relationship whether it’s physical, emotional, or both. All people need that. But she keeps them at a distance.

Even a person who has been hurt the worst needs part of what appears like a relationship to emotionally function. So she goes for these people who give that to her, without strings attached or obligations.

What it comes down to is control. But to obtain a healthy relationship requires each person to give up their control and trust someone else. Be vulnerable. Be available when the other person needs you. It’s making someone else a priority. And that’s what she struggles with.

So she chooses people that won’t make her a priority either. She chooses someone who isn’t going to commit because under the surface what appears like she’s so strong, is fear of commitment and fear of being the one who gets hurt again.

She learned that the one who cares more and shows it, is the one that gets left. So even if she has a heart of gold and is loved by a lot of people, there’s a wall she hides behind when it comes to relationships.

Don’t call her bad at dating. Don’t tell her she has poor taste in men. She doesn’t. She knows exactly what she’s doing. And you can’t blame her for being afraid.

The truth is, she’s choosing emotionally unavailable men, because she’s the one who is emotionally unavailable also.

As much as you can say things about the guys she’s choosing, she’s the one who is continuing to make that choice.

She chooses the wrong ones out of fear of getting it right. Because when you get it right, then you have something to lose. When she gets it right, there’s a chance they can leave. But if she chooses someone who always comes and goes, she grows numb to goodbyes and it doesn’t hurt anymore.

When she’s the one hurting herself, that means no one else has the power to.

And that’s what this game is about…power, who has more, and whose is going to give it up first. And she’s not going to.

So what you see is a girl in and out of casual almost toxic relationships and compare it to the rest of her life, there are a few things that don’t line up.

The number one thing you’ll notice is how every other part of her life is healthy and good except, the relationships she chooses.

Look at a girl who is confident and successful. Someone who has good friendships and a great family. Someone who is smart, ambitious, and achieves a lot. Someone who takes control of every part of her life and takes ownership of it.
Then you scratch your head at ‘why she’s bad at relationships.’

It’s not bad luck. Her relationships are what they are because she chooses those people.

Pain changes people. And it’s hard to look at yourself in the mirror or look back at those moments where you felt weak, vulnerable, and lost simply because of a relationship that ended. Strong women aren’t graceful when it comes to someone else taking them down and them being so emotionally affected by it. Eventually, they do get back up but when they do, they make a promise to themselves, that will never happen again.

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Let Him Go.

Let him go not because you don’t love him, but because you deserve to be loved back.

Let him go not because you didn’t try, but because you deserve someone who tries harder.

Let him go not because you weren’t enough, but because he should have never made you feel that way.

Let him go not because you don’t like talking to him, but because you deserve someone who starts the conversation.

Let him go not because you want to, but because sometimes the people you want most, are the ones you are best without.

Let him go not because he didn’t make you happy, but because he made you sad so often.

Let him go not because he won’t commit to you, but because he’s the one who doesn’t deserve your loyalty.

Let him go not because he’s a bad guy, but because he’s not good for you.

Let him go not because he’s not a choice you’d still make, but because he should have never made you feel like an option.

Let him go not because you don’t want to know how he’s doing, but he should have asked how you were for once.

Let him go not because you don’t think about him, but because he stopped thinking about you a long time ago.

Let him go even when it kills you not to answer, but you deserve so much more than a text he’s probably ignored when the tables were turned.

Let him go because he didn’t value you enough and you should even want to stay.

Let him go because it’s admirable you still see him at his best, but because he doesn’t deserve your kindness.

Let him go because if he cared he wouldn’t let you and he’d still be holding on. But he’s not. You let go and realize it’s only been you all this time.

And you deserve so much more than that.

Don’t Call Her Emotionally Damaged.

Tired Of Waiting.

You leave so carelessly only come right back around on the weekend.

It’s the late night texts and slurred words in calls, asking what I’m doing?
But I’m the one who should be asking you that same thing.

I see you type and I wonder what you’re going to say.
Then I’m overcome with silence, because you say nothing like you know I push pause in my life when it comes to you.
But I’m so tired of waiting.

Am I just some hookup on a list of names you’ll soon forget or am I the one you actually think about??

Am I the one you tell your friends about, and if they know why don’t I?

Care is a relative term.
Especially when actions contradict.
I wonder what you want from me.

Why do we run in these circles and play these games?

Cause you know you could have me if you wanted, but all you ever do is let me down.

Am I some mistake you wake up to asking yourself why did you go there again?
Or am I the one you see yourself creating some life with? And if that’s the case, what is holding you back?

You talk about your family like you want me to know them, but I wonder if they know my name.

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She’s Afraid…

She comes across as confident but in reality, she’s scared.

She’s afraid to say the wrong thing.
So she stays quiet.

She’s afraid to do the wrong thing.
So she freezes in certain moments.

She’s afraid to say too much or come on too strong.
So she keeps things to herself.

She’s afraid to be too vulnerable.
And afraid to show she cares.
So she pretends not to.

She’s afraid to make any first move.
So she doesn’t make any.

She’s afraid of goodbyes without the word.
So sometimes she beats them too it.

She’s afraid other people’s mind could change.
But hers never seems to.
And she’s left wondering what she did wrong.

She’s afraid that someone will get to know her.
And she’ll be met with rejection.

She’s afraid of staring at her phone and not hearing anything.
Another unexplainable silence where she questions herself. Rereading words and wondering what they mean.

She’s afraid someone will see her not for who she is.
But what she can offer them.
Compromising self-respect hoping that will make them stay.

She’s afraid to lose herself like she’s done in the past.
To people who weren’t worth her time and energy.
And everything about it left her drained.

She’s afraid of the flaws she sees every time she looks in the mirror.
Because she likes the perception people have of her, the ones who don’t know her.
Like there isn’t something wrong with her.
When people don’t know you that well, they see the best parts.

She’s afraid to let anyone in.
Because she doesn’t handle goodbyes with grace.

She’s afraid someone will tell her she’s too much.

So she tries to play it cool.
Like she doesn’t care.
But girls like her always will.

She hides a heart she wears on her sleeve, so cleverly hidden under baggy long shirts.
Afraid to play her best cards because she’s watched herself lose in the past.

She’s afraid to care out of fear the other person won’t.
She’s afraid to put her trust in anyone else but herself.

She’s afraid to give too much.
Out of fear, it’ll leave her empty.

She’s afraid she’ll never know what it’s like to get it right.
Because all she seems to know is wrong.

She’s afraid to watch people leave.
The ones that don’t come back.
And she’s left alone with thoughts that plague her.

And she analyzes her reflection.
And she’s tried to change.
She’s tried too hard to be so right.
But everything feels wrong.

Having a good heart in an ugly world will leave you feeling that.

She’s scared to let anyone in.
Because no one has ever made her feel that confident.
And she’s struggled to find that within herself.

Because when everyone is trying to change you.
And nothing ever works out.
And caring isn’t enough to make people want to stay.
She isolates herself.

She appears confident but if you really got to know her to the core of who she is with a simple touch, you’ll see her shake. With the right compliment, she’ll blush. When she’s treated right you’ll see the fear in her eyes. And with a simple kiss, she’ll pull away. With fingers locked, she won’t hold too tightly. And when you ask her what she’s thinking, she’ll never tell the full truth.

Because she’s afraid to.

Hiding behind walls.
Protecting her heart.
Thinking more with her head.
Not believing anything people say.
Hoping for the best.
But anticipating the worst.

Knowing the only person she can trust is herself.
Knowing she’s not crazy for caring.
But it’s the wrong people who made her feel that way.

She doesn’t want to get let down or led on.

She wants to believe in people, relationships, and that there are good ones out there. That not everyone has intentions of using her, hurting her, and taking her for granted.

She wants someone who makes her believe in things again. But she’ll never ask that of anyone.

So she’ll stay silent, guarded, and fearful.

She’ll hide a heart that’s worthy of the best type of love hoping maybe things will change.

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