When You Hurt Someone.

When you hurt someone you care about, nothing about it is easy. 

You hate yourself for it.

You look at your reflection like you are the worst person in the entire world.

It keeps you up at night as you toss and turn overcome with regret.

Because you know they did not deserve the pain you caused.

When you hurt someone you care about, all you do is look back regretting it.

You dwell in the past knowing you jeopardized a future.

But the reality of hurting someone you care about, is knowing you broke their trust that took a long time to build.

It’s knowing you broke their confidence in you.

It’s knowing you ruined the relationship.

It’s knowing and admitting you’re wrong, but what’s done is done and you don’t know how to make it right.

When you hurt someone you care about, you break your own heart for having done so.

And everyone might point at you saying you are at fault. You made that choice.

But it’s a choice that’s going to haunt you for a long time.

And you wish you could go back.

You wish it never happened.

But sometimes life’s greatest lessons are learned the hard way. 

Sometimes it takes losing someone or something you care a lot about in order to grow.

You hope that they look at everything good you’ve done and it outweighs the one or two mistakes you made.

But sometimes there are mistakes that aren’t as easily forgivable.

Sometimes no matter how much good you might do, people only remember the mistakes you make.

Sometimes you do something and there’s no way you can go back to where you were.

Sometimes sorry isn’t enough to fix it.

When trust is broken, its kind of like trying to put the broken pieces of glass back together, but it will never look the same as it did before. 

And sometimes you cut your fingers more trying to restore something like that.

So you pick up and you move on the best you can.

But it still hurts. You just have to learn to live with the choices you make, even the ones you wish you could take back.

Sometimes people might not ever forgive us, but the best thing you can do is learn from it. The best thing you can do is learn to forgive yourself. Because there isn’t enough regret or sorrow that can change what has happened.

But always remember you are not defined by the worst thing you’ve done to someone, but rather where you go from there.

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Someone You Deserve.

When you meet someone you deserve, it’ll be someone looking at you with confidence that they want you and only you. 

When you meet someone you deserve, it’ll be someone treating you well not just some of the time but all of the time.

When you meet someone you deserve, you’ll watch as you heal from the past that you used to look at with regret.

When you meet someone you deserve, you’ll learn to trust again.

You’ll learn what love is supposed to look and feel like.

It’ll be in simple gestures of someone just wanting to make you happy because that brings them happiness.

It’ll be in the little things like someone reminding you to put your seat belt on or get home safely. 

It’ll be in the gestures of paying for things, holding open doors, walking you to your car.

Not because you aren’t capable of doing things yourself, but out of respect for you.

When you meet someone you deserve, they’ll want you to meet their family.

Their friends will already know you and want to know more.

When you meet someone you deserve, they aren’t going to try to change you but accept you for all you are, flaws and all.

The one who learns about your insecurities and works around them to build your confidence.

The one who tries to understand you to the core of who you are and accepts it.

When you meet someone you deserve, they won’t have time for games they’ll be so honest with you, always.

They’ll respect you and keep their word and you’ll never question it.

When you meet someone you deserve, they won’t walk away once you fight but they’ll fight through it. They’ll know to apologize when they’re wrong. They’ll accept your apology when they were right. But they won’t just leave.

When you meet someone you deserve, they are going to make you a better version of who you are and you’ll see yourself change for the better. Meeting the right person has a way of bringing out the best of you.

When you meet someone you deserve, it’s there you see a future as someone heals you from the past.

When you meet someone you deserve, “I love you” won’t be words you fear saying when you know they’ll come back to you.

When you meet someone you deserve, they are going to change every standard you previously had.

When you meet someone you deserve, it’ll be then you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

Forever.

Stay single until you find someone who makes an effort. The effort in surprises. The effort in planning dates. The effort in you. Investing time and energy into the things you care about.

Forever starts with the effort and commitment someone invests in you. As you should them. 

Stay single until you find someone who works to build your trust. The one who takes things slow. The one who really wants to know about every sharp edge you have and about the past you regret. Someone who teaches it’s okay to have made mistakes as long as you learn. But more that that, learn from each other.

Forever starts with a foundation of trust.

Stay single until you find someone who flirts with you like you’re the first love. Protects you like they would their siblings. You fight like a married couple, but you always make up and talk like best friends.

Forever starts with being friends first then falling into love carelessly but knowing someone will catch you as you fall together. 

Stay single until it’s the best sex you’ve ever had. Because intimacy is more than just sleeping with someone. When you care about the person, it’s an experience so much more than that.

Forever starts with someone who walks into the room and you feel everything just looking at them. Like they are the best thing that’s ever happened to you. 

Stay single until you meet someone who wants to build a future with you. Someone who talks about it but more than that, works towards it. Someone who puts money aside because they see you as their wife even though they haven’t said it yet.

Forever is that person you just know with complete confidence they are it.

Stay single until you meet someone who wants to know your family and friends. The person who asks about them constantly. The one who knows how much you value them and would never make you choose between you and them.

Forever is that person who wants to be apart of the life with people who are already there. 

Stay single until you meet someone who is willing to make sacrifices. The person who meets you halfway. The one who proves they are as into it as you are.

Forever is that person who doesn’t make you give more than you get. It’s that 50/50 thing when maybe in the past you didn’t know what that felt like.

Stay single until you meet the person who wants to make you a better version of yourself. The one who pushes you towards your goals and help you to achieve things you didn’t think you could.

Forever starts with the person who believes in you before you believe in yourself.

Stay single until you meet the person who makes you happier than you ever thought you could be. The person who sheds a light in your life and fills your heart in such a way you didn’t think was even possible. The person who after meeting them you can’t imagine your life without them.

Forever starts with the person not only you can’t live without, but the person who doesn’t want to live without you either.

Past, Present, Future.

When you finally meet the right person, there’s this unfamiliar confidence you have in another person. It’s just looking at them and knowing. 

In the past, you might have just known blurry lines and confusion. Games and mixed signals.

But suddenly all of those things disappear.

When you finally meet the right person, there’s this certainty you have not just in yourself and your judgment, but in them and what they do to make you feel safe.

In the past, it always felt like you were walking on eggshells. When every wrong move could have led to something ending or someone just leaving, you had to be careful.

But suddenly it’s like you don’t have to worry too much about anything because this person accepts you in all forms.

When you finally meet the right person, you realize home has never been a place but rather this person who has given you a reason to stay. 

In the past, all places did was remind you of regrets in the forms of names.

But suddenly this person recreates everything and repaints it into something beautiful.

When you meet the right person, you suddenly find yourself not dwelling the past and allowing that to haunt you but rather looking forward to a future because in someone else’s eyes you see a calmness you’ve never known.

In the past, you took relationships day by day knowing it could change at any moment.

Suddenly this person just shows you what a relationship should be.

When you finally meet the right person, they’ll introduce you to their family and friends because they want them to know about the person who has swept them off their feet.

In the past, all people did was give excuses as to why you couldn’t meet their family.

Suddenly this person shows you what being serious about someone actually means.

When you finally meet the right person, you’ll see someone caring as much as you do.

In the past, it was an effort on your part and hoping someone would reciprocate it. But all they did was take what you had to give and not care.

Suddenly this person is this example of everything you’ve ever deserved. They want to be the ones who are different.

Because it isn’t just about winning you over, it’s about giving you a reason to stay once they already have you. 

Haunted Memories.

The text you don’t get in the morning.

The notification you no longer see.

The snapchats that aren’t from them.

In fact, they already removed you.

Not knowing about their day.

Or anything in their life at all.

That article of clothing or gift dusts in the corner.

The pictures no longer make you smile.

The moment they remove themselves from it.

Like you never existed at all.

It’s being unfriended.

Unfollowed.

The left you used to take, driving to see them. 

In pains you to go the other way.

The loneliness that haunts you.

As you wonder do they miss me too?

It’s tossing and turning late at night.

It’s just not being hungry.

It’s the empty feeling without them.

And someone you used to be so certain of.

Suddenly looks like a lie.

It’s the pain in someone asking how they are?

And you have to tell them you’re not together.

It’s laying there at night wondering who is holding them.

It’s the dreams that turn into nightmares. 

Like they are everywhere and there is no way to escape them.

It’s running into them and just not knowing what to do.

It’s looking at some stranger.

But you know every one of their secrets.

You know how they like to be kissed. 

You know how they like to be held.

You know exactly what to say to calm them down.

Here you are with an abundance of information.

You don’t know what to do with.

Then you try and move on.

But in everyone you look at, you search for them.

As if finding them would lead you to find yourself again.

Because when they left, they took all of you with them.

But everyone falls short.

Everyone leaves you a little more empty.

Because when they are the one person who can make you feel better.

Is the one who has made you fall apart.

How do you even save yourself?

How do you find yourself again?



Every Time Someone Leaves.

Every time someone leaves, I always think I’ll handle it a little more gracefully. 

Like I won’t fall to my knees on the bathroom floor crying in a scream that no one actually hears because I only let myself be that vulnerable when I’m alone.

Every time someone leaves, I always think I’ll be okay. 

Okay. I’m not sleeping at night and I’m tired during the day and my best friend asks, “did you eat today?” And I think back to the last meal I had and I don’t remember was it yesterday or the day before and why doesn’t it hurt?

Because the truth is, hunger pains don’t compare to the pain of someone leaving.

Every time someone leaves, I think I’ll channel the pain into productivity.

But the truth is, I lay there numb not wanting to move. I stare at the computer screen lost. I hold back tears or go to the bathroom looking at myself falling apart.

Every time someone leaves, I think it’ll make me stronger. 

But I hit rock bottom so fast and so hard I shatter to pieces on the ground. And my friends ask how I am and I can’t answer. I can’t make them understand the weight of heavy feelings watching someone go.

As if it was me who wasn’t good enough to make them stay.

Every time someone leaves, I remember saying to myself, “don’t get too attached.

But how can you not when you meet this person who teaches you to love yourself? How can you not when you look at someone else and suddenly you have a reason to get up in the morning? Don’t get too attached, but how can you not when this person knows you to the core of who you are and they’ve accepted it?

But what if they knew you too much and it was you that was too much to handle?

Every time someone leaves, I always blame myself. 

Like I’m the one that fucked up. Had I not said something wrong or done something, they would have stayed. I put it all on me and blame myself. I hold it over my own head. I apologize to God hoping He will pass along the message. I beat myself up as if I deserve to live with this. The truth is, I don’t know how to forgive myself for the things I do wrong or the people who leave.

Every time someone leaves, I never sleep at night.

They meet me in my dreams that turn to nightmares haunting me. And I lay there sick to my stomach and I run to the bathroom and I throw up. Only nothing but spit is coming out because I haven’t eaten.

I didn’t know someone’s absence can physically affect you like that.

Every time someone leaves, I sit there like a ghost.

I have nothing to say. Nothing to add to conversations. I’m the last person you’d want to invite to a party.

Physically I’m there, but emotionally I’m so checked out.

And I go to the doctor and they sign a paper. As if pills are to solve the problem.

But there aren’t enough pills I can pop to fill the emptiness you left me with.

And I look in the mirror overcome with hate of the person looking back at me because I know that why they left.

If I was a little more whole. A little less needy. A little more normal. Maybe they’d stay.

Every time someone leaves, I think I’m the one who lost something. 

With every exit, I lose myself watching the ones I love go.

I search for them in the eyes of strangers hoping maybe I’ll find myself again.

Every time someone leaves, I replay the past in my mind like it’s some annoying song I hate I repeat. 

The hardest part isn’t the forgiveness of others, but the skeletons I dance with in my own closet not letting it go.

Every time someone leaves, I try to numb the pain. 

Next thing I know the room is spinning and I’m slurring words and the only thing that comes out clearly is, “I miss you.”

Every time someone leaves, I hate myself for how much it affects me. 

Envious of those who can write others off and never think about them again.

But a heart like mine takes everyone with me even those I lose along the way.

Loving A Damaged Girl.

When a girl is damaged, it isn’t something to look at like she’ll be tough to deal with. Hard to love. Difficult. Oftentimes, the ones who are like that are the ones capable of loving the deepest and loving the most. They are the ones who haven’t been loved the way they deserved and it was there they learned its meaning.

Damaged girls come out the strongest. They come out with edges that aren’t smooth. But they have a sensitivity that is unlike anything else.

They are the ones who have had experiences that have shaped them. At a time when maybe someone else’s control dictated her life. Control of choices. Control of her life. Control of her mind. Her body. Everything weren’t hers to choose, but rather answering to someone who made her feel powerless. Someone who needed to control her to feel their own sense of worth. Someone who needed to break her down to build themselves back up. That’s how girls become damaged. When their main purpose is there to service another. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally.

It was there she learned about trust, but learned she could only trust herself.

It was there she learned about strength, but learned it had to be all her own and she couldn’t rely on anyone.

It was there she learned how to hide emotions or it would be considered a weakness and used against her.

It was there she learned even the worst situations she was capable of overcoming.

A girl who is damaged is one who has survived. One who has chosen to keep going despite being given every reason not to.

But despite overcoming something that caused pain, it doesn’t go away. It haunts her. She lives with her experiences she regrets and takes full responsibility even if the blame isn’t hers to bear. Even if something happened that wasn’t her fault, she takes ownership of it. She hangs onto it not letting it go, even if it haunts her to cling to. She feels she deserves to live with the weight of things that aren’t hers to carry.

And it isn’t until someone comes along and teaches everything she’s been through wasn’t her fault. She didn’t deserve it. She doesn’t need to keep holding on.

But she too fears to let someone that close. She fears to let someone in. She fears vulnerability because she was taught that is a sign of weakness.

Her walls are built to protect her, but it also keeps people out. She thinks she’s better off alone. She thinks it’s better this way. She thinks no one will understand her damage.

And she doesn’t want pity. She doesn’t want people feeling bad. She just wants it to no longer affect her, but with every step she takes and every person she pushes away, it’s a reminder of that experience affecting her today. 

It’s always there. Haunting her in a way.

The reminder she will never be fixed or be whole.

So when you love a girl who is damaged, you have to remind her you aren’t trying to fix her or put her broken pieces back together. You aren’t trying to change her. You accept her for all she is. And it’ll take time and patience but she’ll learn to accept herself too.

You have to understand someone in the past taught her she wasn’t capable or deserving of someone else’s love. It is in your ability to unteach her these things and show her through example how it should have been the whole time what she deserved from the start.

When you love a girl who is damaged, you are accepting her flaws and all. You are accepting her on her worst day and on her best. You are loving her in the moments she breaks down because things in the past still haunt her. You are the arms that will hold her at her weakest. You are the strength on the worst days. You are the light in the darkness for her.

It’s teaching her she’s made it this far alone and now she doesn’t have to. It’s teaching her she doesn’t need to be fixed or changed. She just has to accept herself and her past which comes as the greatest challenge. 

Loving a girl who is damaged, isn’t just about winning her over or trying to prove you deserve her, it’s more about teaching what she deserves and what you will never stop giving her, which is the unconditional love she’s probably lacked from another.

But it isn’t so much you’re filling a void from the past as you are filling her life in a way that she always thought would be empty.

When you gain her trust, you’ll realize how she might be a little difficult but her ability to love, the way she does it, the strength she has become something you admire so greatly. Had she not experienced the things she did, she wouldn’t have turned out as perfect in your eyes as she appears to be.